"Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten. So much time you can bathe in it, roll around in it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."
-Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
What is the definition of life? Please, someone tell me because I'm so lost. I wasn't given an owner's manual, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing here. I'm trying to live in the moment but the past is stepping on my heels and the future is taunting me, and I guess what I'm trying to say is the moment I'm living in isn't quite what I had in mind...A friend once told me that creativeness is just a controlled version of being crazy. I guess he's right. I always imagined that Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, and Schumann all were only crazy because they had so many creative juices flowing that their minds couldn't handle it and eventually, they just cracked. They didn't deserve the reputations they got and I still respect them even after all of the mistakes they made in their careers. All talents come at a price, isn't that easy enough to understand or will we live forever in an unfair world that discriminates against the creative people that we are becoming?
So last year before I updated this blog regularly I wrote down all of my thoughts, hopes, and dreams down in a journal that was later described as "chaotic" "poetic" "frantic" and "romantic." Unfortunately I was lame and never posted these entries so I'm going to give you guys a chance to catch up. Enjoy!
September 9th, 2009
New boy, same story. Unrequited feelings. Misunderstood personality. Constantly thinking about him. Brown hair, green eyes, bright laugh that brings a smile to my face. Dead Kennedy's t-shirt, black skinny jeans that sit below the hips, navy high tops, zip up hoodie. Staying up until 2 a.m. talking about skateboarding and punk music. But by default, because I like him, he doesn't like me.
September 19th, 2009
I hope they will forgive me for the wall I have made, built with mistakes and soon after torn down by fear.
October 2nd, 2009
My hero will be someone who knows what they want and will fight for it instead of watching as that one thing they want slowly slips away. My hero will be stronger than me if they can do that, and that's pretty damn heroic.
October 8th, 2009
He'd rub your back if your stomach hurt or hold your hair while you puke. He'd hold your hand when you're scared and kiss you on the forehead as you're falling asleep. He'd hug you and refuse to let you go just so your day is brightened. Even if you are "just friends" because of the simple fact that he cares. You might hate him temporarily and you may be jealous but the honest truth is he's a good friend and he'll be around for a long time. You may not understand because you know you feel more, but you don't have to because you know he's right and that's all that matters.
October 12th, 2009
I really hope today will be a good day though all the signs point in the wrong direction, and it all started last night with his unfaithful decision of broken trust and testy lacks of the ability to love.
October 14th, 2009
I wouldn't dare ruin my make-up with tears but the emotional pain is tearing me up inside. As he rubs my back, as he flirts, as I think about it all while at the same time I'm failing my biology exam. I think about getting up, walking out and away from the one who refuses to trust me yet finds it safe to flirt with me until the moment that I break down. But what would that prove? Nothing. Which is exactly what I have to lose...
October 24th, 2009
All of what I want you to know about me comes from the questions you never ask. But I spilled my soul over the phone last night. I'm not sure if it was a smart thing to do but it feels as though a weight has been lifted and everything is going to be okay.
October 27th, 2009
There's a chance that he's talking about me, but I'm not setting myself up for anymore pain. So for now I will assume it's her that he's talking about.
October 28th, 2009
It should bother me that I'm so busy I have no time to breathe but surprisingly I like the distraction. What am I running away from? I have't figured that out yet, but whatever it is it must be bad because for the first time in a long time I'm truly, honestly happy.
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