A Little Bit Longer and I'll Be Fine

LOOKING FOR ALASKA

 I read a book about finding the "Great Perhaps" and getting out of the "Labyrinth of Suffering" and I was honestly confused about both until the very last page. The author says "I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: I forgave him, and she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone...things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless."

To me it's that whole feeling where you think "Should I give up?" but you don't want to because what if the second you give up it happens. Whatever you wanted to happen. What if it comes right after you have given up. What then? I said goodbye once, not knowing that the other person was about to make a move that could have changed my life. And I regret it everyday. But I didn't know better until knowing better was useless because it was over. But, in order to stop suffering, in order to get out of the "Labyrinth" I have to forgive myself. So I do.

The Great Perhaps is about having the time of your life, and looking for something more to life. It's about not only living, it's about being alive. It may not make sense now, but someday it will. Because just because you are breathing, doesn't mean you are alive. Alive means happiness, taking chances, living on the edge. You know, people often ask me about religion. How do I feel about it? What is my relationship with God? How I found "peace" with myself? I don't know what all of this means. I know I believe in something greater than myself or anyone else but as for my relationship with God is complicated, as I think it is for anyone to believe in any greater powers. No, I don't think it is a bad thing. It is me, and I believe that I was created this way for a reason. "Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful."