I Dreamed a Dream in Time Gone By

I once said my aspirations span wider than any map you'll ever read, and I suppose that's still true. I aspire to be a teacher, a leader, a writer, and a hero, but those things aren't part of my story yet. This book of life that belongs to me is a long one and I'd like to say I've written it well, but I'm not so sure I have. No matter though. This chapter of adolescents is closing and I'm okay with that, but I'm closing this blog a long with it. I've let it go and haven't been writing anyways, which is why I'm sure seeing this post at all with be surprising to some and a jog of memory that this blog even exists to others. The next chapter in my life? College. And another blog. But for now, I will sit back, enjoy senior year, and hold on to God as my #1 amidst all of the stressors in my life.

Thanks for reading, and thank you to those who have sent me endless emails over these past 2 years. They've been good.

In Memory Of What We Used To Call In Love

And I said I wouldn't leave and the promise was loud but the walls are prodding at my heels and propelling me on. I've lost my voice in this mess but It didn't matter, with each coming day brought a muting of laughter. I wasn't loud enough, you say, I don't care at all, but it's lies. I cared too much. Each step brings more scratch to my throats and more dryness to my tongue, and suddenly without realization I'm gone. I won't look back until I hear you screaming my name, I need you in pain to know you care. So chase me, I dare you. Ask me and I'll come back.

Special Post: The Blog Guidebook

So everyone who reads blogs read them for a specific reason, but it can be hard to find blogs that fit your mood for that specific moment, especially on this website. There's a blog called The Blog Guidebook that displays different blogs by category so you find the type of blog you want quickly, without looking through hundreds of different sites.

Check it out:
http://www.blogguidebook.com/

The Sun Comes Up, The Moon Rolls Down

It's blogging season again. The time of year that I drink too much coffee, stay up til 4 a.m, and write. This past week I was at my cabin, and there was so much to do that it was almost overwhelming, yet somehow it was the most relaxing trip I've ever been on in my life. There's something about being so close to the water, breathing fresh air day after day, that simply puts the human mind at ease. The whole time I was there, however, I kept thinking I had no idea what I was doing not writing down the beautiful thoughts I was having. I mean there I was sitting on my bed every night dreaming up poems, song lyrics, short stories, inspirational quotes and I wasn't writing them down?! I didn't even take a notebook with me. But then I realized it's okay, because I have a whole summer, and a sharp brain ready to get this blog going again. So, if you've missed me, I'm back, if you haven't...well, what are you doing here?

And I'll just leave this picture here, I've really missed these.

Collecting Your Jar Of Hearts

There are those sleepless nights where I toss and turn and wonder if my life will ever be stable. There are days when my brain is racketed with ten tons of utterly terrifying thoughts about the future, and I can feel failure dripping down my neck like sweat. There are moments when I stop for a second and suddenly don't remember what isn't real compared to what is and I can't tell the difference anymore.

Im working on my manifesto. It will be written on my wall in silver sharpie and I'll never forget the years I've spend in this small cottage of a house.

Physical, Mental, Don't Slow Down

I may not be the best runner, but I know the value of hard work and I do what I need to do to improve. My shin splints hurt? That's fine I'll come back everyday and work until they feel like they're going to break, they'll get better eventually. Asthma attack? Let me just finish this race, then I'll sit down. Feeling like I'm going to die? I'm gonna have great leg muscles after this! So many times I feel like giving up, but I'm not sure I would even know how if I tried. I've been blessed with two working legs, and no matter how much pain they may be in, at least I'm able to run on both of them. I don't skip practices on the days I don't feel like running, and sitting out with an injury is torture to me because I wish I could just get out there and hit it. I don't win races, I don't have the fastest times, but I'm a winner, and no one can touch me.

Let's Gather Like Storms For The War

10 Underground Facts About Moi.
1. My boyfriend is my absolute best friend. I met him 6 days before my first day at a new school and we were friends right away. We're so much a like it's insane. Sadly, he lives 45 minutes away, but we're lucky to go to the same school and I see him as much as I can on weekends and breaks.

2. I wish I was better at sports. I've been a cheerleader since I was seven with a mix of dance and gymnastics through the years, but when it comes to sports involving balls I'm neither coordinated nor athletic.

3. I already have my wedding planned. Dream dress, music, color scheme. I've been planning it since five, and I have no idea if it's going to pan out the way I plan, but that's okay with me. 

4. My favorite show is Pretty Little Liars. I read the whole books series in one week during the summer, and the show is even better than the books even though it's completely different. "Never trust a pretty girl with an ugly secret."

5. I don't have it all figured out. I constantly worry about the future, what my financial situation will be, where I'll live, if I'll be able to move out of state. Quite frankly, it terrifies me.

6. My biggest fear is being alone. I love cats, but I would never want to be a cat lady. I can't even walk into 7-11 by myself without feeling completely paranoid until I leave.

7. I'm good at baking. I'm completely intuitive about it. I don't follow recipes, I throw stuff in and hope it tastes good, and somehow it always does. In middle school I had five orders in one month of people who wanted to pay me to make them cakes for their birthday, and I love it when people compliment on my baked goods.

8. Chuck E. Cheese is one of my favorite places to hang out. It's fun to feel like a kid for a couple hours. I don't care if I'm surrounded by 4-year-olds for a day, it's nice to get a pizza with friends, stock up on tokens and play games for a day. 

9. I don't remember what my natural hair color is. I've been dying my hair since 5th grade, and though I can see my roots from time to time, I don't know what I look like with a full head of my natural hair color.

10. I love it when people tell me I look/act/think just like my sister Liz. I have looked up to her for as long as I can remember, and I strive to be like her. I'm not sure if she knows this, but she's my hero, and the adult I trust most in my life.

We Can Make A Feast From These Crumbs

"See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? ... He couldn't do it last night because he was too busy talking his best friend out of suicide. See that girl, with her face caked in make up? ... She's bullied, she needs to feel beautiful. See him, the one who wears long sleeves everyday? ... He covers his arms to hide the scars. See her, with the cheap, hand-me-down clothes? ... Her family can't afford food for half the month, let alone get brand names. See the girl who laughs and smiles at every little thing? ... She cries herself to sleep every night. Wonder why she never lets her friends over her house? ... Because she's afraid they'll see her dad passed out drunk on the floor, as always. See how that girl cringes at rape jokes? ... She was raped. See the boy who everyone goes to for advice? ... He wishes someone would do the same for him. See the girl who never brings a lunch? ... She's disgusted by her body. See her, with the little waist? ... She goes to the bathroom and forces herself to throw up so that she can keep her waist that way. See the boy over there, see the dark circles under his eyes? ... He has insomnia, he fears what he'll see in his dreams. See that girl daydreaming over there? ... She has schizophrenia. See the boy biting his nails? ... He has cancer and he's wondering how much time he has left. See your best friend? ... She's addicted to drugs, but she can't tell you because you wont understand. See that boy reading all about 9/11? ... His parents died on that day. See her, with her phone on her at all times? ... She's waiting for a call saying her sister was found after a kidnapping 4 years ago. Don't judge." 

Memories Of Me Will Seem More Like Bad Dreams

I have no idea what to write. My brain is thinking faster than my fingers can type, but I need to write something. Anything. It's been so long since I've written on my blog regularly and I miss it so much. It's like a piece of me is missing and I'm so lonely without it, but as soon as I sit down to write...nothing.

The Heart Of Me Is Strong Today

You know that moment when you wake up and realize the nights not over? I feel like I keep waking up from this dream, but life isn't over so I go back to sleep. It's like I'm hovering through life, doing what I'm supposed to. Lately the only thing I'm doing in contrast to this is running, which I'm doing solely for me. I'm not good at it, and that's okay because when I'm running nothing else matters. The world turns inside out and all of the stressful add ons disappear. It's me, my uneven breathing, and each foot that goes in front of the other, pushing me forward.

They've Clipped My Wings Again

So I run, and I run, and I run and all the while I think about how my feet are carrying me around this small track, and why I haven't passed out yet. Never does is cross my mind that in four hours I'll feel a whole part of me is missing, and I'll know exactly why because it's my fault...   I don't understand myself, nor do I pretend to. I have these thoughts that intertwine themselves around my brain and suddenly I'll wonder how they got there. Do I even know what they mean? Usually no. Doesn't matter? Probably not.

With My Feet On The Dash The World Doesn't Matter

Sometimes I'm inspirations and upbeat, and sometimes I'm more depressing than even I can handle, but it doesn't even really matter. This is my blog. It's not a website to help you discover the meaning of life (I'm just as lost as you are) and it's not some emo kid's rant site (though I do rant often). It's just me. My thoughts, my feelings, my life. I'm not going to force my ideas or beliefs upon you, which you should know by now if you are a regular reader. All I ask of you is just listen. Because maybe I'm not perfect, and I'm definitely not a professional, but I do have some pretty good ideas about life. I've seen it all and there's nothing I- or anyone else- can do to undo my experiences. Someone might as well learn from them. Right? Yes. Life is a terrible, horrible, simplistic, beautiful thing. You win, you lose, you forget things, but somehow you're still alive. Sometimes how you even managed to live though it all may surprise you, but if you look back I'm sure you can figure it out. This isn't a war we're learning how to fight, it's being dropped into the water and learning- by a mix of experience and fear of drowning- how to swim. It's waking up in the middle of the night with a dry throat and knowing by instinct that you need a glass of water. It's smiling when your heart is breaking, hoping and praying that by some odd miracle it will help you feel better, yet finding yourself surprised when it actually does work. Life is a game, and it may not always be fun, but when it comes down to it everyone's a winner in the end.

You Kissed Your Fear Instead Of Me

Lately things started falling in to place while others fell out. This one I can't place right now. It should feel right, I know that, but it doesn't. This really isn't supposed to be how something like this should feel. It should be easy...but it's not. I'm stuck with a smile that doesn't fit me anymore.

I Still Want To Believe Anything Can Happen

"A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life. Your best friend, your soul mate, the one you can tell your dreams to. He'll brush the hair out of your eyes, send you flowers when you least expect it. He'll stare at you during the movies, even though he just paid $8 to see it. He'll call to say goodnight or just cause he is missing you. He'll look in your eyes and tell you, 'you're the most beautiful girl in the world,' and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it." 
-Nicholas Sparks

So, I guess my point of adding this quote wasn't because I feel this way about someone- though I really do- but to tell you that I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this, but I would just like you to know that you're beautiful and someone out there cares about you. I'm not saying we all have a secret admirer, or even an obvious one, I'm just saying that someone cares about you. Maybe it's not who you want, or in the way that you want, but in this messed up world we have to take what we can get. You never really know what's right for you until you let it happen; Then suddenly the purpose is clear, and you can be okay. Smile, alright? Life is too short to be unhappy. Some people learn this the hard way, but take it from me- you don't have to. Maybe you don't care about who likes you and wants to be in your life, that's fine, but loneliness is never good for anybody. People make the mistake of saying "I want to be alone right now," and maybe that's how they feel at the time, but no one ever really needs to be alone, and you can't always get what you want. You know, half of life is messing up, and the other half is dealing with it. It's not that we're all screw ups (though most of us feel that way all the time), it's about learning that life is full of hellos and goodbyes, and how to deal with what comes in between. It's about learning that you'll make a mistake every once in a while, and though you can't change it, it's never to late to fix it. It's about learning that life simply wants to slap you in the face...but only for your own good. Look, we're all addicted to something that takes away the pain. Let it be drinking, drugs, cutting, writing, reading, music, working, taking a bath, everyone has their own way of coping with life. It's not always good, but it's what we know how to do. It's our "plan b" when life doesn't go the way we planned. So you can sit here and ignore me, but if you've read this far then you know that this means something to you. I don't care what it is, just trust me on this one last thing: you're not alone. 

These Hearts They Race From Self Control

Dear (you know who you are),

I do hide things from you, keep words from you, hold back thoughts from you. But I don't do it because I want to. No, that's far from the real reason because I'm dying to tell you. I tried to get myself to bring it up, but I just can't. You're so happy, so innocent, I just couldn't do it. I'm doing this for you. If you knew the truth you'd be sad. So sad, so upset, so betrayed. But would you even believe me? Or would you trust that what you know now is the real thing? I simply cannot tell and it's better this way. Better for you. I'm sorry, and I really hope you understand, but I would just like to ask you to not bring this up when we talk next. I care about you, and I don't want you to change your decisions base on me.

Yours truly,
Me

We All Want To Know How It Ends

To tell you the truth I've been avoiding everything. Every feeling I don't want to feel, I've been pushing away until it eats me away from the inside out. I don't want to live this way, it's not by choice, it's just a habit I've developed over the years. A strategy to stay calm, cool, and collected. The problem is? It's working. I don't want to be the girl that keeps crying over the same things, but I can't bottle these things up anymore, and I'm not even going to try. I need to learn how to admit that things bother me, and I'm going to start now.

Your Way With Words Is Through Silence

Whenever something good happens in my life, someone takes it away. Am I seriously not allowed to be happy? I have the most severe feeling of anger I've felt in a long time boiling in my heart, and I can't help it. Look, I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I'm not your freaking daughter. I am who I am, and if you can't accept that then I'm done with you.

Your Sad Eyes They Don't Keep Me Alive

I'm not going to write what I want you to see, I'm going to write what I need to say. Sure I have a sense of what's right and wrong, but just because something isn't beauty queen perfect doesn't mean it shouldn't be shared. I guess it hurts to know that when I'm down and at my worst the people I thought cared are really going to turn me away, but I'm glad I learned this now before it before it became too late. I really am not sure who to go to for help anymore since the few adults I thought I could trust proved me wrong and the others are 2,846 miles away, but I'm getting through this and I'm going to be okay.
When people are changing left and right you depends on the solid objects to stay the same. The nightstand next to your bed, the phone in the kitchen, the couch you sit on while you watch TV. When those change, you have absolutely nothing to rely on. What happens when the couch breaks and it's replaced? What happens the the phone's battery dies for the last time and you can't use it anymore? What happens when you re-decorate and the nightstand you've had for so many years suddenly doesn't match your room anymore? The pain you feel, the loss...it's temporary. Then you move on. Life is a lot simpler than you may think, you just can't ever give up. Because giving up? Well that's just dumb.