Im working on my manifesto. It will be written on my wall in silver sharpie and I'll never forget the years I've spend in this small cottage of a house.

Physical, Mental, Don't Slow Down

I may not be the best runner, but I know the value of hard work and I do what I need to do to improve. My shin splints hurt? That's fine I'll come back everyday and work until they feel like they're going to break, they'll get better eventually. Asthma attack? Let me just finish this race, then I'll sit down. Feeling like I'm going to die? I'm gonna have great leg muscles after this! So many times I feel like giving up, but I'm not sure I would even know how if I tried. I've been blessed with two working legs, and no matter how much pain they may be in, at least I'm able to run on both of them. I don't skip practices on the days I don't feel like running, and sitting out with an injury is torture to me because I wish I could just get out there and hit it. I don't win races, I don't have the fastest times, but I'm a winner, and no one can touch me.

Let's Gather Like Storms For The War

10 Underground Facts About Moi.
1. My boyfriend is my absolute best friend. I met him 6 days before my first day at a new school and we were friends right away. We're so much a like it's insane. Sadly, he lives 45 minutes away, but we're lucky to go to the same school and I see him as much as I can on weekends and breaks.

2. I wish I was better at sports. I've been a cheerleader since I was seven with a mix of dance and gymnastics through the years, but when it comes to sports involving balls I'm neither coordinated nor athletic.

3. I already have my wedding planned. Dream dress, music, color scheme. I've been planning it since five, and I have no idea if it's going to pan out the way I plan, but that's okay with me. 

4. My favorite show is Pretty Little Liars. I read the whole books series in one week during the summer, and the show is even better than the books even though it's completely different. "Never trust a pretty girl with an ugly secret."

5. I don't have it all figured out. I constantly worry about the future, what my financial situation will be, where I'll live, if I'll be able to move out of state. Quite frankly, it terrifies me.

6. My biggest fear is being alone. I love cats, but I would never want to be a cat lady. I can't even walk into 7-11 by myself without feeling completely paranoid until I leave.

7. I'm good at baking. I'm completely intuitive about it. I don't follow recipes, I throw stuff in and hope it tastes good, and somehow it always does. In middle school I had five orders in one month of people who wanted to pay me to make them cakes for their birthday, and I love it when people compliment on my baked goods.

8. Chuck E. Cheese is one of my favorite places to hang out. It's fun to feel like a kid for a couple hours. I don't care if I'm surrounded by 4-year-olds for a day, it's nice to get a pizza with friends, stock up on tokens and play games for a day. 

9. I don't remember what my natural hair color is. I've been dying my hair since 5th grade, and though I can see my roots from time to time, I don't know what I look like with a full head of my natural hair color.

10. I love it when people tell me I look/act/think just like my sister Liz. I have looked up to her for as long as I can remember, and I strive to be like her. I'm not sure if she knows this, but she's my hero, and the adult I trust most in my life.

We Can Make A Feast From These Crumbs

"See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? ... He couldn't do it last night because he was too busy talking his best friend out of suicide. See that girl, with her face caked in make up? ... She's bullied, she needs to feel beautiful. See him, the one who wears long sleeves everyday? ... He covers his arms to hide the scars. See her, with the cheap, hand-me-down clothes? ... Her family can't afford food for half the month, let alone get brand names. See the girl who laughs and smiles at every little thing? ... She cries herself to sleep every night. Wonder why she never lets her friends over her house? ... Because she's afraid they'll see her dad passed out drunk on the floor, as always. See how that girl cringes at rape jokes? ... She was raped. See the boy who everyone goes to for advice? ... He wishes someone would do the same for him. See the girl who never brings a lunch? ... She's disgusted by her body. See her, with the little waist? ... She goes to the bathroom and forces herself to throw up so that she can keep her waist that way. See the boy over there, see the dark circles under his eyes? ... He has insomnia, he fears what he'll see in his dreams. See that girl daydreaming over there? ... She has schizophrenia. See the boy biting his nails? ... He has cancer and he's wondering how much time he has left. See your best friend? ... She's addicted to drugs, but she can't tell you because you wont understand. See that boy reading all about 9/11? ... His parents died on that day. See her, with her phone on her at all times? ... She's waiting for a call saying her sister was found after a kidnapping 4 years ago. Don't judge." 

Memories Of Me Will Seem More Like Bad Dreams

I have no idea what to write. My brain is thinking faster than my fingers can type, but I need to write something. Anything. It's been so long since I've written on my blog regularly and I miss it so much. It's like a piece of me is missing and I'm so lonely without it, but as soon as I sit down to write...nothing.